It’s Minty Gel®™ by Pfizer. Originally called Aflaxablabduflorazine, it has now been rebranded for wide distribution. It costs billions but, it will also save trillions. No need to think about it, Minty Gel®™ has already been prescribed for you. Please show up at a local distribution centre to receive your dose of Minty Gel®™ and to update your travel and employment passport. Aren’t you excited? Aren’t you going to Instagram your Minty Gel®™ moment? Don’t forget your “I GOT MY Minty Gel®™” sticker! Remember, it’s illegal to protest, question or refuse Minty Gel®™ within a 500m radius of any school, hospital or official Minty Gel®™ distribution centre.
The government has set a clear precedent. Canadians will take any approved drug which protects their society from what is deemed an “expensive public health crisis” or pandemic. All individual rights are suspended if a health emergency or pandemic is declared. Canadians are also willing to coerce, fire and marginalize anyone who refuses such a mandate. Now, with these fully established powers of “moral authority”, your government has discovered a new pandemic! It’s far more expensive than this current pandemic. The new pandemic is violence itself. The Minty Gel®™ will now neurologically disable all violent thought and action. Aren’t you excited? Chrystia Freeland herself will wear her red dress for the big Minty Gel®™ announcement!
Some people may be “hesitant” to receive Minty Gel®™ but parents wishing to remain in custody of their children must take Minty Gel®™ or be referred to social services. After limited testing of Minty Gel®™ on prison populations, no significant side effects have been reported. With new express pandemic laws which accelerate the drug approval process and “cut red tape” government is now comfortable with the simultaneous release of Minty Gel Junior®™ for children under twelve. Needless to say, all school-aged children must take Minty Gel®™ or Minty Gel Junior®™ to attend school and all children not attending school will be reported to social services. Parents wishing to home school must be government certified and present an updated Minty Gel®™ passport.
All employers must request updated Minty Gel®™ passports from their employees with limited exemptions offered for: military, security and law enforcement only. No medical or religious exemptions will be accepted for the Minty Gel®™ mandate. Doctors offering medical exemptions for Minty Gel®™ will immediately lose their license to practice medicine. Faith organizations which preach violence or the refusal of Minty Gel®™ and Minty Gel Junior®™ will immediately lose their tax-exempt status. All “breakthrough” acts of violence which include the glorification of violence for entertainment purposes, will now be deemed acts of “hate” and “hate speech” thus subject to strict federal regulation. Welcome to your bright Minty Gel®™ future!
Minty Gel®™ – You asked for it, now it’s here!
Pfizer Inc. PFE (NYSE)
