Just in time for Christmas, I get to live out my life as an uncircumcised Snake Plissken with a Grinch green penis. Of course I’m playing Cyberpunk 2077. How could I resist? A “cyberpunk” genre game earns fury levels of hype during a worldwide pandemic. I have to play this game, if only for the comedy potential of its social criticism. I’ve also been writing about the virtual penis longer than I care to admit so it’s like my intellectual duty to tackle this. I’ll reveal no spoilers but, let’s talk penis selection. From small to large, one can indeed choose an uncircumcised or circumcised penis in Cyberpunk 2077. It’s good to see this option so boldly represented in a world where medical professionals continue to lie about the “health advantage” of circumcision while simultaneously griping that no one trusts their fast-tracked vaccines. Can you also equip your female character with a penis? Yes. It’s 2077, all features are interchangeable including: nipples, beards and voices which range from masculine to feminine. Alas, you can only see your penis in the inventory or in photo mode and you can’t zoom in (we tried). Minor clipping errors may also result in your penis poking out of certain pants and skirts. Still, if you were hoping to maraud the wastelands of this dystopian future as a transgendered hero, have no fear, Cyberpunk 2077 is here.
Since the game’s launch Reddit has become a goldmine of earnest Cyberpunk 2077 genitalia-related discussions. The great “grower vs. shower” debate itself has resurrected beautiful archaic terms like – rantallion (n). 18th c. “One whose shot pouch is longer than the barrel of his fouling piece.” A thread called “My penis keeps turning into a vagina” features a real transgendered individual aptly urging distraught players to -“Just live out your lives with gender dysphoria like the rest of us”. A thread called “I keep accidentally having sex with men” describes a player who had a minor sex selection mishap which directed his character arc into unexplored sexual territory. He later lamented -“Then a man takes you in a room and bangs you with an unskippable cutscene.” I quote it only because “bangs you with an unskippable cutscene” is now my favourite free-range sentence fragment of 2020. As I always suspected, female players who have chosen a penis are now developing classic forms of male anxiety addressed in threads like “Now I’m afraid of losing my penis” a companion to the “Now I’m afraid my penis is too small” thread which is rife with rumours of bonus stats for the smallest selected penis. If you’re an individual with a sense of humour, Cyberpunk 2077 will not disappoint.
