Why wouldn’t Christ return as a shining star Twitch streamer? If you don’t know who Asmongold is in 2025, fire up YouTube and search for “Asmongold Cockroach King”. There, at the edge of the rabbit hole, you can slowly descend into the magic realm of a bonafide pop culture phenomenon. Why wouldn’t Christ use the morning sun, warming a fragrant dead rat, as his alarm clock? Why wouldn’t Christ fend off cockroaches, masturbate too often or neglect his personal hygiene? Siddhartha did the same, look where it got him. There is something hermetic, even ascetic and comforting about Asmongold, who is all too human in an increasingly post-human world. He articulates the deeper thoughts of voiceless millions like earnest and imperfect manna from heaven. Millions pray in silence -“Asmongold – take the wheel.”
Asmongold is Zach Hoyt the Bernie Burner, gamer and Twitch streamer whom the mainstream media tragicomically mistook for a right-wing Trumper. It was to Trump’s great advantage during the 2024 U.S. presidential election, when Twitch superstars like Asmongold made all the difference. When Bernie Sanders caved to Democratic Party corruption in 2016 and betrayed his supporters, Burners vowed to Demexit and avenge their political idealism by burning it all down. Now, all grown up, some like Asmongold have over six million subscribers and are the most-watched Twitch streamers in North America. Democrats can waste millions, they will never produce an Asmongold or Joe Rogan of their own. It will never happen. Both former Bernie supporters were formed in the crucible of Democratic Party betrayal. They exist primarily to articulate how the Democratic Party failed them and continue to fail the working class.
Zach Hoyt’s mother was a creative zoftig Gen-X heart of gold who (according to Zach) only wanted to game and smoke weed all day. Zach was born to her in Austin, Texas back in 1991. Though his parents did divorce, his father remained in their lives and so Zach was loved by both his supportive parents, that much is clear. (In the film I’d cast Asmom with Aidy Bryant and Asmondad with Jonathan Banks). Whether his “Asmom” was merely a Gen-X slacker or an undiagnosed autistic struggling with personal issues, Zack adored her. Her health was seriously impacted by her heavy smoking and chronic self-neglect yet he doted on her. In her care Zach grew up poor and was in turn burdened with her care at an unforgivably early age.
The rumour that Johnny Depp’s character of Gilbert Grape was based on Zach Hoyt is of course fiction. Though Peter Hedges did write the novel titled What’s Eating Gilbert Grape the same year Zach was born and the main character does serve as an amusing parallel. Despite difficult formative years and against all odds, Zach Hoyt was once employed (worked at the I.R.S. – like his father) and did earn a B.A. from Texas State. His business acumen is intuitive and innate, that much is clear to anyone who has watched him game or discuss game industry marketing. He began Twitch streaming after temporarily dropping out to care for his ailing mother. This by-product of misfortune became his life’s greatest boon as today his online presence is estimated to earn him between 2-6$ million U.S. per year. As he spends very little of what he earns, his estimated total net worth is currently well over 20$ million.
Asmongold had already grown a massive worldwide audience by the time his mother died of complications from advanced COPD in 2021. Her passing, after a tragic and painful self-inflicted accident, was clearly the most difficult challenge of Zach’s life. Though, in some ways, her death marked the true beginning of his delayed adulthood. With his own physical and mental health long gone neglected, he picked up the pieces and moved on through his obvious grief. Is Zach Hoyt autistic? That has never been confirmed, though he’s generally seen as a likely “Aspy” due to the intensity and style of his delivery. If confirmed the diagnosis would only double the tragic loss of his mother as “Aspy” men are often deeply bonded to their mothers and depend on them for societal integration and emotional guidance. Jesus was a mess without Mary.
Here it’s worth mentioning that none of this Zach Hoyt biographical background is independently verified. Asmongold himself may be a marketing construct. As a skeptic I’ve always kept open the possibility that Zach’s heartbreaking back story was carefully manufactured and spoon-fed to us by a team with sharpened gamer instincts. It’s possible. It would represent acting and deceit with a phenomenal and granular level of detail but, it’s possible. That said, assuming truth is in evidence and all is as it seems, Zach Hoyt is a survivor who has overcome dire hardship to emerge on top after a lifetime of personal sacrifice. For that alone, he deserves respect.
His politics have at times gotten him in trouble. He was temporarily suspended from Twitch in August of 2017 for a comment he made about Hurricane Katrina survivors. Lately his harsher opinions on Palestine earned him another temporary suspension. Though he is not a supporter of Israel, Zach has since been attacked repeatedly by periphery media figures of the American so-called “left” who consider Asmongold a Trump “asset”. Thankfully Hoyt shares a Teflon-like quality with Trump which renders him impervious to criticism. The harsher these attacks – the more Asmongold’s membership, wealth and influence grows. This year he even took time to feud openly with Elon Musk. Now reconciled, he’ll begin live-streaming on X pro-bono this week in order to promote this feature on X and help refine their streaming UI. (*Twitch needs to burn, its censorship is notoriously biased.) You’ll also soon find Asmongold on Kick as he further explores his options.
What does the future hold for Zach Hoyt? After he takes care of his health and hygiene; after he heals and slowly emerges from the grief and stress which has haunted his young life; after he spends some of his fortune constructively, he’ll likely thrive and start a family with someone sane. He has a bestselling book in him, perhaps a biography or even a Netflix series about his life entitled What’s Eating Zach Hoyt? If he doesn’t meet a pretty gold-digger and if he doesn’t accidentally kill himself by attempting to remediate the asbestos in his house; some misguided lunatic may still attempt to harm him in an act of rage-fuelled liberal disdain, if only for the clout. If Zach Hoyt’s political influence grows and continues to dwarf the Democratic Party creatures who compete with him on the Soros dime, they may even try to asassinate him. It won’t be open and obvious, it’ll be subtle like poisoned take-out or a contaminated water source.
What does Zach Hoyt need? Other than a new house with an independent water source, better eating habits and a top-notch security system? Beautifully little to be a happy and productive human being. That’s his strength. His self-effacing, filth-ridden gamer’s life path is his strongest asset. From a Buddhist perspective he’s already on the road to enlightenment. His grief-fuelled abandon drives every challenge to the edge of a cliff and dares it to jump. This feral yet fearless state of mind inspires millions and makes Asmongold untouchable. During his short career Asmongold has produced enough raw data to generate a very convincing AI doppleganger. His fame is months away from technological immortality. Once he’s AI generated, the videos will produce themselves with surprise guest cockroaches and all. What about his living, breathing authenticity? Zach Hoyt had it, his many subscribers saw it and witnesses will become his future apostles. If Asmongold is killed he’ll simply resurrect as the most popular and beloved AI celebrity of his time.
